Dipper Pines, Paranormal Detective p6

Mayor Brown was a short man, fat and stout. His balding head shined in the light from the overhead hanging lamp. Sitting behind his desk, he sweated nervously under Dipper's intense glare. Pacifica sat next to Dipper on the other side of the desk, the fold out chairs they were sitting on weren't comfortable at all.

Mayor Brown cleared his throat. "Um...could you stop glaring at me please?"

"I told you were you that you were still in danger! I told you that you weren't safe yet!! I told you to let me continue my investigation but you didn't listen!!!" yelled Dipper.

Mayor Brown grabbed a handkerchief from the pocket of his blue business suit and wiped the sweat off of his face. "I know that now, and you were right! It's exactly like last time but worse now! Last time we lost twelve people in a month, this time we've lost over twenty in a week!"

'Twenty in a week?' Pacifica thought. 'What are we dealing with here?'

Dipper sighed. "Alright, I'm willing to take the case again but you've got to let me see it to the end!"

"Yes! Yes, of course!!"

"And, since I'm reopening the case I'm going to want to get paid up front this time!"

"What?! That wasn't how it worked last time!!"

"Yes, but while I may work for the government, I am still technically a Private Investigator. Meaning I can set different terms for unique cases if my client agrees to them."

"I don't think..."

"And if you want me to take this case then you will agree to them."

"Alright, fine!!" the mayor snapped. "Although I'm only agreeing to this because the next election is coming up fast!"

He took out his checkbook from his desk drawer and started to write Dipper out a check.

Pacifica leaned over to him and whispered "Why do you want to get paid upfront?"

"Because in case you haven't noticed, our fridge is empty. And since now I'll be feeding two mouths, it would probably be a good idea to get paid as soon as possible." Dipper whispered back.

"And I need some more clothes, in case you've forgotten I'm wearing all I have."

"Oh that's right! Mayor Brown, now that I've hired extra help I'm afraid my rate has gone up by twenty-five percent."

"What?!" Mayor Brown yelled. "That's highway robbery!!!"

"Eh;" Dipper shrugged. "I learned my negotiating skill from my Grunkle Stan. Think of it as the price of the publicity you have to pay when all your citizens return alive and unharmed, saving registered voters can be very good for the polls."

Mayor Brown frowned, it looked like he still didn't like the idea but he ultimately gave in.

"Fine!! However, ALL my missing people need to be brought back safe and sound!!" He finished writing the check and handed it to Dipper.

"Deal! Now tell me, what have you been doing to try and calm the townsfolk?"

"Not a whole lot calms down the people of this town, the only thing that seems to work is a party at the rec center." Mayor Brown explained.

"That's crazy!" shot Pacifica. "Gathering everyone in one place is just going to make it easier for the culprit! They're going to have their pick of the litter!!"

"No!" Dipper cut in. "That's what makes it perfect! They won't be able to resist making a move, and when they do we'll be ready! Don't worry Mayor Brown, we'll get them back for you!"

Dipper tucked the check in to his coat pocket as he and Pacifica started to take their leave.

"So now that we're 'paid', how about a little clothes shopping?" proposed Pacifica.

"Business before pleasure, Sweetheart. We got a stake out to get to!"
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The gymnasium of the rec center seemed to be full to the brim as Dipper and Pacifica passed through it's double doors. The music was quick and upbeat, it seemed to be exactly what the people needed to have a good time. There was a buffet table with various finger foods and a bowl of punch.

"So what do we do first? Question the locals?" asked Pacifica.

"Nah, as much as it pains me to admit this, we should probably find Joe. If anybody is going to notice someone missing here it would be him."

"Do we have to find him? He's a nut job and that's putting it nicely."

"I know, but he has this annoying eye for detail that tends to come in handy. If we split up one of us is bound to find him!"

Pacifica searched through the crowd but she made sure to always keep one eye on Dipper just in case. Everyone was dancing to the beat so well it was almost hard to believe that these were the same people she saw from the RV. As much as she hated to admit it, she knew nothing about Joe other than he was a conspiracy nut.

She spotted the buffet table. "Well a crazy man is still a man, and eventually every man needs his snacks."

She stood next to the table and surveyed scene, keeping her eyeballs peeled for Joe.

"Enjoying the party?"

Pacifica jumped at the voice from behind. She turned around to find Joe hanging upside down from the ceiling in front of her. He was suspended from what looked like a bungee cord, she turned her gaze to ceiling where it came from. It seemed to be more tangled around a rafter than properly tied to it, it was a straight up mess. She turned her attention back to Joe and saw he was slowly starting to spin.

"There you are."

"You know this party is a conspiracy too! It's all to distract us from the truth! That we're being invaded by moose from the underworld!!"

"What're you gonna tell me next? That the moon landing was faked?" sighed Pacifica.

"Oh no, we DID land on the moon! It just wasn't OUR moon!!" exclaimed Joe.

Pacifica rolled her eyes. "Listen, Dipper wanted to meet up with you so he could..."

"So he could silence me?! I knew it was only a matter of time!!"

"What? No! Put your conspiracy fictions on hold for a second and listen! People are disappearing again and Dipper seems to think that you would be able to spot someone if they mysteriously disappear from this crowd or whatever!"

"Hmm... I suppose I would be able to, but what would be in it for me?"

"Helping us stop the disappearances?"

"Meh." Joe gave her an upside down shrug. "Not that big of a deal to me."

Pacifica frowned angrily at him. "Fine! You're all about uncovering the truth right? You'll be revealing whose kidnapping everyone."

"Well everyone would already know if they just listened to me! It's obviously the work of invisible vampires! Turns out it's all to fend off the martian raptors!"

Pacifica was starting to lose her patience, this guy aggravated her to no end. "How about you get to not make my job more difficult?!"

"And exactly what IS your job?"

The question caught Pacifica off guard. She knew she was there to help and basically learn the job but she wasn't sure exactly what she would call it. Sidekick? It didn't matter.

Pacifica grabbed Joe by his suspenders making him look her in the face right side up. "Alright Poindexter, I've entertained your delusions for long enough! You either help us or won't have a town left to droll your conspiracy theories to!! Now are you going to help us or not?!"

Joe swallowed a lump in his throat. "Yes Ma'am."

She let him go and he swung a little lower, Pacifica turned her attention back to the party but never noticed Joe accidentally hitting his head on the table. Pacifica spotted Dipper in the crowd and waved to him.

He was just few steps away from rejoining them when he got intercepted by a woman. She had on a long blue evening gown which seemed to hug her curves, black high heels which seemed impossibly tight for any woman with normal sized feet, and silver spider webbed earrings dangled off her earlobes. However, what was odd about this woman was her hair, it was blue. Completely and utterly blue.

Dipper seemed to be caught by surprise by this woman, even as she rested her hands on his chest seductively. Ignoring her suddenly tightened hands, Pacifica noticed Dipper's face had an odd expression on it. It wasn't nervousness, it wasn't embarrassment, she couldn't quite place the look but it was clear he wasn't enjoying the sudden attention from this mysterious new woman.

"Dipper Pines, I was wondering if I would ever see you again. It's so good to see you again." She caressed her hands on his chest as she spoke. "Care to join me for a dance as we catch up?"

Dipper threw up his hands as he suddenly backed away from the woman. "Ew! Ew! Ew! No! No! No!"

While every other man in the room looked at Dipper as if he was crazier than Joe, Pacifica found herself smiling at Dipper's rejection of the woman's advances. Something about the woman's shocked reaction made Pacifica feel good inside.

Dipper scooted his way through the crowd and rejoined Pacifica. "That was a close one. I see you found Joe...who is unconscious?"

"What?!"

Pacifica turned around to find Joe dangling helplessly in the air, swinging back and forth weakly.

"The nut bar must have hit his head on the table. Poor guy has always been a feather weight when it comes to this kind of stuff. Listen, I'll see if I can revive him while you keep an eye on the crowd." Dipper instructed.

Dipper cut Joe down with his dinosaur dagger and started to drag him off. "Hopefully it won't take too long to wake him up."

Pacifica eyed the crowd just long enough to see the mysterious woman making her way towards her. She didn't look happy.

"And exactly who are YOU supposed to be?! And what's your relationship with Dipper?!"

She clearly wasn't ready for any lengthy explanation Pacifica might have had to offer. The angry glint in her eye told Pacifica that she had to keep her answers short, polite, and quick. Pacifica took a deep breath to calm herself in order to give her a rational explanation. This was nothing new to her, Pacifica had done this with her parents so often it was practically second nature. The woman's patience was already running thin as she had her hands on her hips and was tapping her foot impatiently.

"I'm Pacifica, and not that it's any of your business, but Dipper hired me to help him with cases."

"Pacifica? Ha! Like that's a real name! Listen 'Blondie', whatever your relationship is with Dipper...don't go thinking you have a chance with him as long as I'm in the picture."

Pacifica glared at the woman. "And exactly what is that supposed to mean?!"

"Exactly what you think! I might not know everything about Dipper, but I know he can do better than a dumb Barbie girl like you! He deserves a girl like me!"

"Barbie?!" Pacifica roared.

"That's right, Barbie! Because you're just like one! Dumb, blonde, filled with plastic, and most importantly empty headed."

Pacifica considered herself a much nicer person in today's world, but that didn't mean she had turned in to a push over. Her 'claws' had never really gotten dull, she just kept them in reserve for people who were actually asking for it.

"Okay, first of all..." Pacifica's voice seemed icy cold, sending chills down the spines of everyone in hearing range. "Tramp, everything you see before you..." she gestured to all of herself. "Is one hundred percent real! Second of all, I wouldn't be the one bringing up hair colors with that dye in your hair! I mean, who do you think you are? Some type of Japanese Anime character?"

The woman sneered at Pacifica as she eyed her up and down, judging her. Finally she smirked when she came to a conclusion about her, she stood a little straighter and placed her arms under her breasts.

"Yeah right! If anybody here has hair that's the victim of a bottle it's you! Nobody's that blonde. Nice outfit by the way, did you sleep in those clothes or what? And here I thought dumb blondes were at least smart enough to change their clothes, but I guess that was my mistake."

The jab hit Pacifica a little closer to home than she was expecting, but it didn't take her long to recover and find a flaw for her to fight back with. "Big talk coming from a woman with muddy high heels. I mean, hello, take care of your shoes! Or do you just not care how trashy you look? I mean, were you so desperate to look tall that you got them out of the dumpster?"

The woman was shocked as she stared down at her own shoes then back at Pacifica. Almost as if she had revealed some kind of skeleton in her closet.

"I think we're done here." Pacifica smirked. "Unlike you, I have work to do...you know, with Dipper." Pacifica turned around and started to walk away. She'd still keep an eye on the party but she decided to do it away from this woman. She was a distraction and Pacifica felt like she needed to demonstrate that she could at least follow orders without getting sidetrack. However, she still looked back with a smirk on her face. "Oh, and one last thing. If I did have feelings for Dipper, and I'm not saying I do, but based on his reaction to you... I wouldn't feel threatened." She felt like she had successfully let her inner Queen Bee sting enough for the woman to leave her alone now. Pacifica turned her attention forward again as she started to search for a different vantage point.

"Oh I bet you think you know him pretty well, huh?" the woman called out.

Pacifica was surprised this woman still wanted to go at it, but she only let it slow her down at best.

"Well I know something I bet he never told you!" The woman grinned evilly. "I know his real name!"

Pacifica froze in her tracks. She tried to think when she might have learned Dipper's real name or when he might have actually told her but there was nothing. He couldn't have ACTUALLY been named Dipper, it was obviously a nickname. Still it raised a question, if Dipper wanted her around enough to travel with then why hadn't he told her his real name?

"Pacifica!!" Dipper called out. "Joe's up and he gave us a lead!! We got to investigate the forest!!"

"I'm..." Pacifica glanced back at the woman one more time. "I'm coming!!"
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

"And once again I'm back in forest filled with dirt, bugs, and other things guaranteed to leave a stain."

"Sigh. Pacifica, I do believe I've already mentioned that this job doesn't get pretty. You knew what you were getting in to."

These woods only seemed to worsen Pacifica's mood. It was warm, moist, almost swamp like; it annoyed her. The forest in Gravity Falls seemed like more of a forest in comparison, there seemed to be a certain harmony and balance, but there was none of that here. It was like a bunch of individual trees were thrown together in one place and forced to grow together.

"I don't like this place." Pacifica noted.

"There's nothing pleasant about this town." Dipper added.

"Not even that woman? She seemed to know you very well." Pacifica spoke with a certain level of bitterness.

"Her? Gross! I don't want that woman in my life anymore than she already is!" groaned Dipper.

Pacifica grinned at Dipper's answer, for reasons she wasn't quite willing to acknowledge. However, it still made her wonder what Dipper had against her. "Why? I don't think any of the other men in this town would have complained if she threw herself at them the way she did at you."

Dipper motioned for Pacifica to follow her. "I met her last time, and I didn't like who she turned out to be."

Pacifica gave a small smile as she followed him. "Really?"

"Oh yeah! She's the worst!"

Pacifica's smile seemed to disappear. There was familiar title. What if the woman turned out to be more like Pacifica then she wanted? Only acting a certain way due to pressures or anxieties.

"I seem to recall you saying the same thing about me when we were kids."

"Yeah but that's different! You were acting like that because of your parents, there's nothing redeemable about Edna."

"Edna?" Pacifica laughed. "That's her name?"

"I know. She doesn't look like an Edna, right?"

"Yeah, but what did you mean there's nothing redeemable?"

"Well you had your faults but you also turned out to be brave, resourceful, smart, and down right gutsy when you want to be." Pacifica blushed at the compliment. "Edna on the other hand, she looks down on people because she likes to. That everyone around her should feel honored just to be graced with her presence."

"I still don't understand. It feels like there's more to it than that."

"Let's see if I can put this in to a way you can understand......oh I know, Disney terms!"

"Disney terms?!"

'What does Disney have to do with anything?' she thought.

"Yeah! You were like Megera from Hercules but with Hades breathing down your neck more!"

Pacifica laughed lightly, she thought he was going to do a different comparison for her. The one he gave her wasn't as bad as she feared.

"For a minute there I thought you were going to compare me to Georgette."

"Who?"

"You know, from Oliver and Company?"

"Oh yeah! Surprised you remember that one, but no. I know it's been ten years and all, but if there's one thing I've learned about you it's that you aren't that bad. Pacifica, you are nobody's bitch! You're a lot nicer, you've become a good person Pacifica."

Pacifica wasn't quite sure how she was supposed to take that but she ultimately decided to take it as a compliment.

"Now Edna on the other hand, she's like Cruella De Ville...with a hunting license!"

"Yikes! What makes you say that?"

"Let's just say I've seen her without her makeup on. Now come on, we've wasted enough time talking smack about Edna. If things really are like last time then maybe the 'statues' will be in same place as last time too."

Pacifica still had questions but she held them back. They were still on a job and she had to focus on the task at hand.

They didn't have to go far, this forest was a lot smaller than the one by Gravity Falls. "Now over this hill is a clearing. There are no trees, just grass. This was where I found the statues last time."

"I thought you said you found the statues just outside the forest last time!"

"Technically, the clearing is outside the forest. There's literally like four trees after it. As soon as we see those statues, I'll be able to pick up this case right where I left off!"

However, as soon as they reached the top of the hill, Pacifica could see Dipper's disappointment on his face.

"There's nothing!"

Pacifica felt bad for Dipper as he ran down for a closer inspection, the feeling only got worse as he flailed his arms around in the chance the statues had somehow became invisible.

Pacifica finally decided to rejoin him when he slumped his shoulders in defeat.

"Are you okay, Dipper?"

"Just...disappointed. This is a huge set back. I mean we're practically back to square one. Meaning we're going to have a lot of work ahead of us."

Pacifica squinted her eyes. Past the trees, which were where Dipper said they were, she saw a cottage.

"Dipper is that the place where you said the woman lived? Maybe she saw something."

"That's what I thought last time. And unfortunately, just like last time it's a good place to start. Even if I'm not in the mood for another 'chat' with Edna."

"Edna? What's she got to do with...wait! SHE'S the woman living outside the forest?!"

Dipper scoffed at her surprise. "I bet you thought it was going to be some little old woman huh? No. That's how I first met Edna, for questioning."

Even if she wanted to avoid Edna as much as possible, it looked like she was going to have to go with Dipper to question her.

"Questioning huh? Is that how she found out about your 'real' name?"

"Oh for the love of..." Dipper threw his head back in frustration before hanging it in dismay. "Pacifica, she knows my real name because last time she 'found' my wallet!"

Pacifica let out a breath she hadn't been aware she holding. She frowned at her situation but accepted it none the less.

"Well we'll have to trek back then, because we left her at the rec center and..." Pacifica cut herself off as a blue figure emerged from the woods, heading towards the cottage. She instantly knew who she was.

"What? How is that possible? We left her behind! Even if she followed us there is now way how she could have..."

"Pacifica!" Dipper cut her off. "She isn't human! At least not anymore."

Pacifica turned to Dipper in surprise. The woman may have had blue hair but the fact that she made it look like it was dye said something to her ability to hide her true self.

"She's also our prime suspect!"

Omake

Dipper lowered himself down from the tree and landed in front of Pacifica. He started to fiddle with the dial when he noticed Pacifica was staring at him. He smiled.

"I know what you're thinking. Me, this gun and all its tricks. It reminds you of someone doesn't it?"

"Yeah! It actually does!" She smiled back at him.

Dipper moved a little closer to her. "Then tell me. Go ahead and say it. Who do I remind you of?"

"Starlord!"

Dipper's face fell. "Who?"

"You know, Starlord? Marvel superhero who also has a tricked out gun?"

He took a step back. "What? No! I thought I had a Indiana Jones/Dick Tracy vibe going on here!"

"Sorry, but no. With that thing having more gadgets than a Swiss army knife I gotta think Starlord."

Dipper sighed in aggravation before walking off, grumbling to himself. "Stupid Marvel, gotta ruin my fun. At least she didn't call me Judge Dredd....grumble grumble."

Pacifica watched Dipper's retreating form with concern. She didn't mean to injure his ego. "Dipper, I...the whip...I suppose...you know you do kind of..."

"Forget it!!" Dipper yelled back. "We were having a moment and you killed it!"

Pacifica frowned with worry. She bit her bottom lip as she tried to think about what she should do. "Dipper wait!!"

She ran after him.

"Come back! The fedora does remind me a little of Dick Tracy!"